Forlorn

Now, everyone that used to make me happy, leave me alone here. It's like my life is so meaningless now, i can't help myself and no one can also help me, but the thing that could really help is return me my happy life. I can't be strong anymore and it doesn't mean that i'm scared, i just let the sadness indulging, just let it be. I want to do everything now, i don't care about what it might be if i do this and that, cs it won't change anything. I need someone that used to be by my side, talk to me, take me out to somewhere, make me feels secure, look into my eyes and hug me to sooth me. But haha, who could? No one man, no one! And, i don't want any new things, i just want the happiness that used to be in my life before, that's all. But seems it won't be happened at all. I ACTUALLY GOT THE STRONGEST REASON TO JUST DIE RATHER THAN LIVING WITH THESE ALL BULLSHIT BOMBARDED ME... that's all, goodbye

I'm Friggin' Love braid Hairstyle

I NEED TO LEARN A LOT FOR MAKING MY HAIR TO BE LOOKED FANTASTIC WITH THESE BRAID HAIRSTYLES!

A Very Not Compatible Photo, blergh

I was on my way to go to downstairs, and then i heard a conversation between mama and Irfan which was fascinating me, i heard my lovely little brother said "kak Nana masak sedap, sedap sangat sangat walaupun kak nana masak makanan biasa je, mesti sedap!" and then mama "tipulah, sedap hapeeee!" and then irfan "eeee sedaplahhh!" Instead of going to downstairs, i trespassed mama's room and hugged Irfan tightly! haha, i love you kiddo :)

Errrrrr, today?

Aloha, i just got back from tuition, and i'm tired. Well today we got some special event, it was held at SUK building, i loved the Dikir Barat, i really loved it! The event took 5 hours but lucky cs it wasn't that really bored, the motivation segment was also fine, but again, i wanna make my statement strong that i really loved the Dikir Barat :) haha

I should get back to hostel this evening, but i asked mama to delay until it's tomorrow morning. Goddddd, i'm tired! Really had fun today, knew a lot of new friends, sang, laughs, run, walk, catching the bus and bla bla bla -.- It used a lot of energy whereas now i'm already lack of energy, i just want to sleep. But there's a lot of things i need to do, just yeah, updating this blog while also relaxing myself.

News! I'm putting on my weight! Blerghhhhh, i'm kinda chubby now -.- yuck! Well, diet time, dietttttttttttttt :O -.- huhhhh, end of, bayyeee

Babe, The Sun Came Out To See You

Awwhhhhh, good morning, now is 07.11 am, gotta take a bath and get ready to go to tuition that i'd mention last night. Minutes ago, when i awoke, i felt so much hungry, brrrrr, i need a breakfast today, yeah maybe usually i didn't take my breakfast, but i think i need it today.

Today, i'd plan to wear a floral design dress with skinny, and to wear high-heels.. i've to think it deeply hoho, no, but think so, but ummmm, no no no, but it's okay ay? BRRRRRRRRRRR, okaylah, i wanna have my bath now, and in a meanwhile, deciding to wear high-heels or not, blergh, ciaaaaossss! :)

Feelin' Better

I got tuition tomorrow and need to wake up earlier. Well, mom and i is just okay now, i just act like nothing happened. I feel like, dah lah, malas -.- So, here i am. I'm fine, i'm okay. And dodge myself from thinking bad and now, i need to be positive.

I'm hungry, i want to eat something sweet. I miss him but i have no idea where he is now as i called him many times and no answer. It's okay, maybe he's somewhere. Still we have tomorrows.

Oh God, i can't wait for my hair getting longer and longer! I was like "come on! be quick! be fast! don't be linger!" brrrrr, but there's no use says such things, cs hair is natural. I can't wait, i feels so impatient cs my hair is in a big curls and it looks fantastic (:

Just now, mom said "don't you ever think that marriage is a way to solve anything, it'd never solve anything, never!" Well, ummm, agreed with her, but i just get bored to see her like this, i want a new father that could idk, care about me too. It's not that i lack of attention, i just, idk, maybe it's bcs nowadays i don't really close with my biological daddy, so i feels like somehow i want a dad, orrrrrrrr! HAH! Goddddd, i think this the influenced i got from The Last Song story -.- haha, those who had watched it or read it, you guys must know why i said that i got influenced from The Last Song story. Kaylah, nak tidur, bye, xxo

FANTASTIC

AMAZING

AWESOME

GREAT

TERRIFIC

It's Bad When You Do Something Right, You Got Accused For Something Wrong

Hmmhhh, *sigh! Now, i feels like i just got recover from an illness though i didn't sick, err perhaps, i'd sick but not from that bullshit kind of headache, fever and bla bla, it was my heart that is attacked. I'm so vulnerable today, bcs of mama. Totally. I thought that we're already okay, and we're already fine, but seems like getting worse. I'm such a broken-hearted now.

Just today, i sobbed hardly, i sobbed so much, right after mama out. I love mama, and now, i'm dodging myself from hating her, i don't want it turn to be like that, but idk when will she stop from doing something like this to me. She give no tolerance. Ego? Or what? Whatever, idk! I have no idea what's wrong with her, mama's too negative. I don't wanna be brag, but please, i always try to be a good daughter, and i want to be a good daughter. But with this shit she gave to me, idk if i could be.

I missed my dad today, so i decided to phone him, i wanna talk to him, wanna ask hows he feels nowadays, i just missed him. Yeah, even though he had done something hurting too, still.. hm. Okay, i admit, i care about him. So, i dialed his number, and he picked up. Started with "hello" and then i asked "abah buat apa? sihat? Damia mana?" Oh, Damia is my very cute little sister. Then he brought up something that's totally not true. "Sabtu lepas kamu pergi mana? Ada keluar dengan lelaki?" I was shocked! What the hell is this? I said "demi Allah, nana tak bah" then "habis mama kata kamu kelaur dgn lelaki?!" then i saw mama, mama was not that far away from me, she heard everything, then i said "demi Allah nana tak bah, nana pergi tasik, jalan sorang sorang, mama tuduh tuduh je!" and then my dad, "haaaaa, kamu jangan buat something yang tak berfaedah nana, jaga diri elok elok, SPM dah dekat, belajar dulu" then i said "okay abah"

I throw the phone on mama's bed and mama was there. I said "menyesal je call abah, tak pasal pasal kena tuduh!" then she ignored me and made joke with my brother, Irfan. Sakitnya hati! Then i went downstairs with angers that was fulfilling my heart. After seconds, mama too, went downstairs, said goodbye to Irfan. I said, "sedap je buat spekulasi sendiri" i don't care if the way i talked is rude or what, there's no more good to talk nicely. Then she said "yelah, keluar tak bagitahu, buat mama macam tunggul" grrrrr! "mama yg buat nana mcm tunggul! Nana betul betul penat masa tu(my voice started to sound tremble), bukannya sengaja. Semua nak perfect! Tak pernah nak faham langsung" Then i got myself away from her, i went to kitchen and hide myself. I heard the sound of her car roaring, sign of she'd gone. From standing, i felt weak and sat on the floor while sobbing so bad and so hard. I sobbed for maybe 30minutes? Then i got tired and fall asleep.

On that day, i was planning to go out with my friends and they're all boys, i was being honest with mama when i asking the permission. And it was granted by mama. Also, before this, no matter where i go, i'd being really honest, even if i had a date with a boy, for sure i'd tell her. And she was really okay with it. NOW! Why need her to tell my dad like that? For the revenge that i went out to somewhere near to look for the peace without a permission? Is that all? What's wrong with you mama! *a bad frowning on my forehead! And after she reported that so not true thingy to my dad, she treated me so nicely, means that, being hypocrite! Erghhh. I felt regret says sorry -.- I'm so pissed off now, dah lah, bye

Wrong Expectations of Mine

:) Good morning. Hm, fyi, i just got recover from a very bad fever. But still yeah, it's not that fully or 100% i'm in recover, still i'm feelin' the feverish though. Well never mind, at least now i'm feeling better than before :)

Lately, too many problems bombarding my life. I think, i'm strong? No, i don't know, i can't even judge it. However, there's some sweets in my bitters. Thanks Allah. Yeah, maybe sometimes i cry, but it's just a way to let go of the painfulness. Always, when the tears dried, then only i feel i'm on the land, finally kan. 

Errr, right now, i can feel my body temperature increasing, eeeeee, i ate medicines dah lah! Why still demam ni -.-? Last night, i felt that i'm healthy already, just a lil bit flu, and i thought that my ill gonna be end if my flu gone, but the fever is coming back! Pfffffttt! Saja je kan, ee.

It's been 3days i'm on leave, i can't help it though. This fever, brrrrrr. Lets recall, on Tuesday night to be exact, pergh, it was the awful night ever! I think, my body temperature was more than 40C degree! And the most terrible is, i can't sleep at all because i was having an effing horrid headache and plus, vomit! And satu badan lenguh! I couldn't even move my legs.Whoever touched my body, they got surprised and startled. I still remember, they was like "Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku , PANAS GILAAAAAAAAA" And i, i was just kept moaning in a pain.

Dahlah, all the things i wrote above, i think soon is gonna happen again as now i can feel the headache and my body temperature increasing. Bye

UNEXPLAINABLE :(

done

(Y)

Now and Future

Aloooha! Can i just abandon the intro here? Kay, lately, i don't really study. Just this week, i'd been in hostel just for 3 days, i was happy of course. And yeah shame, still, even just for 3 days, i felt the homesick -,- gah haha I don't really study as i'd keep myself away from classes, i took much counseling sessions, but trust me, it's worth it. And, a person like me, likes to think much. I think much lately, it's like a bulk of things i need to think about. Somehow i know i just can abandon it and let my mind free but hehe i love thinking. Know what? I've been asking my counselor, "is that i'm a trouble kid just bcs i love to have the counselling sessions?" then she said "no, love, it's not. Why? Have your friends talked about it?" I said "yeahhh, i felt somehow low and down, because anytime i got back from here, they'll asking me where have i gone? And when i tell the truth, they'll say like, are you in trouble so much? Too many problems huh? Gosh, it's killin' me inside teacher. With the way they're looking at me. It's just i love to see the counselors, sharing opinions, asking for opinions, help me with the decisions which is better for me, and so on. That's all, yeah of course, when i do have problems, i'll tell to you too, of course, and i think, this is the best way as you guys will give me the best opinions and you guys are experiences and certificated! Am i right?" then teacher said "yes love yes, that's bloody truth. Just let them be, don't think about what they says. And you must know, even the excellent student may also come to meet persons like us, asking for the opinions, just like you" then i shaped smile and was relieve. So shut the fuck up of your mouth bitches, it's very none of your business if i'm taking a counseling session, don't be brag that you guys can handle your problems by your own, you may not, who knows?

Kay then, 3 days in hostel, i'd been so silent with the folks in the hostel but excepted in the school :) I dunno, whenever i got back to hostel, i felt so lifeless, seriously. 3 days in hostel, filled with my tears. My heart was empty as he gone, as we're not together anymore, but thanks Allah, you gave me such a greatest mother in the world. She listened to me, she understood me, she knows how i feels like, she called me and said "okay love, you can cry, you always can cry, just let it all out now. Don't worry, i will always be by your side, you always have me, i love you, okay love?" and then, my world get better and better, until now. Thanks mama, i love you so much. Without you, i dunno what'll happened to me. And just because of that short moment, i starts to think, who'll taking care of her when she's older and older, who? I don't wanna her be alone, i will, i dunno, but now, i'm planning with my future. And in the future, i want her to stay with me, until the last day of her. I really want her to be by my side, like every seconds, every minutes, and every days. There's nothing more could makes me feels happy and peace, seeing her face, her smiles, her... everything. Mama? My very precious someone, my mother, me beloved, my best friend forever.

Well, planning the future? Sort of. hmm, i've been thinking about it lately. I think i know what i'm gonna be. I'll have three careers, fashion designer, business woman and a lecturer. That's what i thought. Okay, lemme explain it to you, how it perhaps gonna be like..

After i finished the SPM, i will taking a class for my skill in designing the fashions thingy yeah. Maybe, it'll takes 6 months, it's worth i think. And at the same time, i'll chase for the certification in the fashion designer course. Day by day, i'll create my own collections. And when i think it's enough or the right time is coming, i will spread to people about my fantastic creations and open up a boutique, then work and be struggle for it. Know what? hihi, i've already idea for my boutique and my brands name, it will be Zeeway's Fashionista, haha what do you think? :P wek kay i'm somehow feelin' shy now haha dah dah. After all, gain a lot of benefits and money, live with my mom of course and after years, i should be pro in this career, so i'll make a one more step, be a lecturer, surely for fashion designer course. Then taraaaaa!

Haha yeah, and i've talked about this with Mama when we had lunch today, and she was just quiet and no response at all. Kayyyyyy. I can see it. She doesn't really likes my planning, then i dunno how. I know, mama want me to be in a professional career, you know, doctor, chemical engineer, and sort of, but mama, it's just not my soul. I know, i really know, you want people around you see what your daughter have made, an educated person is your daughter. But mama, it will be nothing, just nothing if i can't do it. I'm an artistic person, i got 28/30 for the artistic segment! It's my blood, even, my dad, used to be an artist. My aunt, also, an artist. Goshh, but yeah, i don't wanna let you down mama. Kay now, brrrr i'm stress a lil bit haha :p I asked for opinions and advices from my ex-senior, and he said that i should focus on my SPM first, i can think about this later, yeah, he's true, kay end of this now.

SPM? I can't believe it, i'm listed in the first group for target A+ in SPM, i feels like, i don't deserve it. There's lot of more better persons, but seriously, thanks Ya Allah, it would help me! Since teachers and school trusting me for it, then i'm gonna do it, i'll try even harder, i'll give the best! I told mama about this, and she was happy and proud, haha andddd yeah, more reason of not letting people down with me. Gahhh, 9A+! Come here baby, come to me, stick with me! haha, okaylah, panjang gila tulis hahahaha, kbaiiiii, wish me luck people!

Wasn't That Great

Basically, now i'm at village, and tomorrow, i'll be on leave. It's an effing tired today, i slept at 3am but woke up at 8am -,- And then had rush to pack all the things and mama kept nagging me to do this and that with my less energy, it was a bad morning. Went to KLIA and waited for atuk nenek for almost 2 hours there, we didn't sit, we was just stand and wait. And with my high heels, those girls who'd ever wear high heels should know how pain it is when they're in my condition, stand for 2 hours with high heels! Allahhh, my back was really painful. After atuk nenek reached, atuk hugged me tightly, he was like "NANAAAAAAAA!" hehe so i shaped smile and hugged him too. I helped them carrying luggages into the car, yes at first was using trolleys, but then, of course, we can't put the trolley into the car! lol -.- surely we had to take all the luggages ourselves and moved into the car, and at that moment, i carried a totally heavy stuffs till i can feel the painful on my arms and shoulders. Then, headed to village, was sitting in the car for hours with a hot condition -,- Air conditional was okay, but the sun was really anger! Ahhhhh :( And just now, i just finished from washing all the dishes as kenduri held tonight and i washed thousand of plates! and tadi i have to cangkung lama gilaaa, ahhh. Could you imagine how i'm feeling now? And with my problems, with my sadness, today wasn't great, today was bad exceptttt hihi, took a lot of pictures using my uncle's Canon dslr, dude! It is an awesome gadget! But literally yeah, i don't have it yet :p And and, i was happy too, cause mama bought me a lot of Blackforest Cadbury Chocolate muah muah! haha. But still yeah, i'm thinking about my problem, i want we to be good again, i miss our time. Ahh, i'm so sad, kbai :(

Just Let It Be

Kay, now rasa nak demam, i don't know, too stress? too tension? I don't know, but i can feel it, guess it might be even worst tomorrow, but i will just let it happen, i don't wanna take meds, let it be, with this bad feelings, it's suit, a package for me. Yeahhhh :'/

The Courageous

People, i'm gonna do something that's out of my mind, i wish for the best, i will pray for the best and i will also do the best :) Please, pray for me a luck, i hope this decision, this courageous will make a good ending. Ya Allahhhhhhh, please Ya Allahhh

Let's Flyyyyyyyyy, Up Up Here We Go Go!

Ahhhhhh, i can't get enough with the song, i play it out loud! It's totally awesome, sang by Rachael Lampa, she got a talent, of course lah haha. Hihi, right now, i'm get ready to go out with Mama, gonna have breakfast and fetch up my little brothers at Puchong. Eee know what? I got an obvious scar on my chin, -.- brrrrr! Hate it, kay, i need to set up my hair properly now, hihi chowww. Here we gooooo, come with meeee, there's a world out there that we should seeee! Take my handddd! Close your eyessss, lalala hihi ;p

Please, Forgive Me

I've made a silly mistake just now, the guilty is haunting me now :/ I didn't mean to, i was just too anxious and i'm way too wary, i just don't want the same things happen again. It was enough, being hurts. I think, this is it, love. I could feel it now. I really am. Love? Fighting, arguing, and then reconcile, found differences. But still choose to be with each other. I hope this is real, and i believe too, this is real, this is the real of love. And at least, i've learned something today, i've learned something :) Because of this, i think somehow that i'm a lil stupid haha but no, it's actually because it takes time to trust each other, to get to know each other, we need times, yes, we need times indeed. God, i accused him badly :/ Please, forgive me.

Well, today, i was on leave, i didn't go to school, i stayed at home, woke up at 1 something pm haha. And had my day with just a normal things. But still, it was great. I did nothing, but was relaxing. It was fun, having a fresh and hot tea by my own self. And then, sitting all alone at the outside of my house, oh, listen to songs and my hair touched by a soothed wind. Hmmm, it was a good moment (: That's all for now, bye

Hurrahhhhh!

Being at home is the best thing ever! :) hihi, hey pals, i'm home, i'm home! Godddddd, it's totally great when i can lay on my 'own' bed, doing nothing in my room, play musics out loud! It's heaven! Home sweet home ;) Hihi, but on Sunday, i'm going back to my village to see Atuk and Nenek come back from Makkah. And Monday, i will be on leave, again! Yeayy but not yeay when i think about my study, i might miss the important things that i should learn for any subjects on that day :/ But what can i do? Atuk really want to see all of us, i mean, all his children and grandchildren.

I spent my time in this room, in this house, wise enough i guess. Just so you know, when i stepped into this very awesome house, i felt so great! I felt like "shalalala, this is my worlddddd! ooooyeahh!" hahaha, and just stayed at downstairs, was doing nothing but was laying on the cushion and then fall asleep. When i awoke, went upstairs, bathed, and bum! on my bed ;) Reading a great novel - NUMB3RS, and opened the musics out loud! I love my life, i love myself. There's nothing could makes me feelin' bad anymore, imma strong person now, i don't really care about you and you and you, i cares myself ;) night, xoxo

A Confession

I am tired being her, i mean, Deana Zeeway. But i love her, what can i do? :/

Today, Tomorrow, Next and Next

Today, i bought some books which are all the SPM past year questions, but still i didn't found Mathematics', History's and Chemistry's -.- I feel totally not satisfied with it, i should have all but i don't know whyyyy, i think MPH now lack of stock as pen pun tak ada, but luckily there's another stationary store, Marwilis at PKNS. Yeah still there's no the SPM past year books. I'm tired but totally HAPPY, kay enough.

Tomorrowwww :( It's time up! I'm gonna say bye bye to my room, my house, which is the most hard things. I don't even packing my stuff yet, tomorrow i'll be back to the hell aka hostel, gah hate it! I just wanna be at homeeeeeeeeee :'( isk, home sweet home, always sweet home, haaaaahhh emo nya -,- haha but no matter what, when i get back there, i wanna focus on my study thingy, i'm gonna work hard for it, and i believe, i'm gonna have an excellent result! YEAH! Go Diyana Go! kay, i needed rest now actually, and Irfan keep grrrrr, i'm gonna bite him -.- kbai.

*i says a lot of - i'm gonna, i'm gonna, i'm gonna HAHA :b